Tag Archives: Loneliness

“Alabama, Arkansaw I do love… (wicki wicki disc scratching) REMIX.. I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW”

It’s funny how things happen and events that make you believe in destiny or fate. It’s like that phone call you see in the movies where a boy receives a call from his girlfriend and he’s all happy until he hears her having sex on the line with some random.. and you think yeah right that would never happen. Well it does. Not exactly like that.. but a girlfriend of mine lets call her Carmen receives a picture message from her boyfriend after spending a great few days together of fun, frivolity and good times. Low and behold it’s a photo message of private conversations she’s had with me about personal things that she obviously did not share with him. The guy had gone on her Facebook while she had gone to work and left her laptop at his place and guessing her password went through her Facebook and took photos of her conversations as evidence to hang onto.  As any women who has close girlfriend will attest to there are just some skeletons in your closet that you just do NOT want to share; men you wished you’d never kissed, about their boyfriends performance in bed, honest opinions about their boyfriends friends. MORTIFYING ABSOLUTELY MORTIFYING if read by the wrong person.

Well she got busted.. and now it’s over. But not finished by him but by her, the girl’s allowed to have her private opinions and she told me she could never look at him the same way again. The thought of him going behind her back when the relationship had no problems, no lipstick on the collar for him to have motives to snoop. Carmen had been upset all week because he might be moving away for his job soon and she couldn’t go with him because of her work – nothing that should be bringing up any red flags in his mind. Even though they had trust issues from the past on both sides, a new leaf had been turned and they were planning to be together, forever even. He promised her the world, promised he would fight for her, promised he would treat her how she deserved and better… Yeah haven’t we all heard that before.

So back to the idea of fate.. if he had never accidentally sent that picture from his phone she would have never known until he sprung it on her obviously waiting for an opportune moment (like that exists). He had acted perfectly normal with her after he snooped, loving, caring, trying to make her smile and have a good time when she started feeling low about the idea of him leaving. Up until she saw the message and called confronting him he had acted like the perfect gentleman. But did he apologise about invading her privacy? Did he seem ashamed at his behaviour? Did he realise the error of his psycho ways? No… he then admitted to also going through her phone and then tried to justify himself by NOT explaining why he did it (oh no wait.. he said it was because she was acting “weird” – not good enough I say) but by trying to throw back in her face what he had read. Well buddy if you go looking you will find and once you open Pandora’s box your screwed as the saying goes. I feel sorry for her she really loved this guy, a girl can’t be held accountable for what she reveals in the sanctuary of girl talk and now the relationship is ruined and for what really?? A stolen kiss before they were together with some guy he hates, a 5 minute phone call with an ex lover she forgot to tell him about and random girl talk about sex (and quite complimentary too might I add) amongst other things.

It’s funny how things work out… but in a not funny at all kind of way. He hasn’t contacted her since the discovery hopefully wallowing in shame at his psycho-ness and hopefully feeling regretful for the beautiful relationship he destroyed. One can only hope.

I’ve only got one song to put on my Mix CD today that sums this all up and it’s so exclusive you can only find it on Itunes not on YouTube yet or unless you have their EP…

  • Like a Weight – The Jungle Drums
….The perfect melancholic track it’s really worth the AU$1.69 to buy or however many pence, dollars, yen or cents
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“With hearts on fire, I reach out to you tonight”

Something different happened to me the other day.. I was on the bus reading with no plans (set in stone anyway) on my way to the library . As I stood up to get off the bus this man who was standing in front of me (who was getting off as well) turns to me and asks me ‘if I would like to go get a coffee?’. Granted, that is not so shocking and call me naive but I did not feel like it was a pick-up, or that he was hitting on me.. just that he had some free time and would have liked to have a coffee. I didn’t think he had especially noticed me, as an attractive woman you can tell when you have caught someone’s eye and I had seen him periferally come onto the bus and sit down without so much as a second look at me. But the way he turned and asked me out of the blue, with no nervousness, cockiness or obvious intention implied and I had to pause for a moment and wonder.. well why not??

Lets say he didn’t want anything (don’t smirk, play along) but to spend a spontaneous hour with a complete stranger. Just two people with nothing important to do just expanding each others minds or talking complete nonsense.. I prefer the former but how much better would life be if we weren’t so paranoid, fearful, snobbish, weary of people with hidden agendas and tried to re-connect with someone for a brief moment. What if I had accepted and we had, had a great conversation? If at the end no numbers were exchanged, just a thankyou for the chat and we parted ways, happy to have reached out to someone and the world no longer feeling like such a cold, lonely, harsh place. People spend a lot of money paying for therapy, paying for a complete stranger to listen to their problems, wanting to be heard, to be told they are normal or ok or things will get better, to indulge in some narcissism to help ease the pain of being human with the social complications, personal problems and the traumas that entail.

We stay in horrible relationships, put up with shitty friends, rely on dysfunctional families, endure physical or verbal violence from close ones mainly ( and I speculate) from the fear of being alone. Travelling a lot I tried to stay connected to a small group of friends, every time I would return I wouldn’t feel so alone, that I was needed, that I had roots somewhere and  that I belonged. I went along with their plans, their social life, was their for all their issues and problems as a true friend and I believed I was happy and had real friendships. Until I had some real personal issues, made some regrettable decisions, moped around, got depressed and they turned their backs on me after I apparently took longer then they believed necessary to ‘get over it’.. I wasn’t aware that I had a timeline before everything had to go back to being about them. I tried to rekindle the friendship I could feel my security blanket slipping away and I apologised, I felt like I had to, that I was an inconvenience and it was them that slowly stopped calling me, inviting me out, coming to my birthday and they shut me out of their lives. For a long time I felt like it was my fault, that I had lost something important, that I was alone and that petrified me. But now I couldn’t care less, I realise it was the best thing that has happened to me, I have excellent friendships with some amazing people who unfortunately live all over Australia and abroad but we keep in contact all the time and I am not alone and never will be. Who needs roots when they are rotten??

If the world was a place where we could accept a strangers invite for coffee or a bite to eat without the fear of malice or intention I believe we would not feel so alone and so afraid to make the hard decisions to walk away from certain people or situations. That we would be stronger, happier and not so selfish to look at someone like they are crazy when they try to reach out and engage in conversation at the bus stop, supermarket, anywhere… that there would be much more community and maybe not so much mental damage, disease, depression… but that is a whole other conversation.

Something to think about anyway… maybe I should have said yes??

My Mix CD…

  • Hearts on Fire – Cut Copy
  • Space Oddity – David Bowie
  • Jump into the fog – The Wombats
  • By your side – Beachwood Sparks
  • Eleanor Rigby – The Beatles
  • Message in a Bottle – The Police
  • Reach out (I’ll be there) – Four Tops
  • Bittersweet Symphony – The Verve
  • Wonderful World – Louis Armstrong
  • Spanish Sahara – Foals
  • Hearts a Mess – Gotye
  • Chinese Translation – M.Ward
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