This time nine days ago I was in his arms, my eyes red raw, already puffy from nineteen hours of crying, watching That 70’s show. Lying together like we always have watching TV, our cosy little nook that we had created out of the tatty sofa bed left over from the previous tenants. Fluffy blankets, pillows and his strong arm holding me to his chest keeping warm while a small heater blazed by our feet. That awkward last Sunday together spent crying (both of us), cooking, watching my favourite TV series which I had got him addicted to, trying to enjoy our last moments together, pretending as if we hadn’t broken up in the early morning hours.
It didn’t seem real then nor 7 days later, back at my parents’ house, my bags still unpacked, feeling out of place in my family home. Every day waking up…when I finally do get to sleep after hours of staring into the dark…remembering that it is over and no it’s not a dream. I can’t seem to find solace in music, it seems like a cruel joke to hear ‘With or without you’ by U2 playing spontaneously not once but three out of the five times that I had ventured out of the house. ‘Sweet disposition’ (our song) was playing as I was packing my things from his apartment, ‘Electric Avenue’ (summer memory) played on my way to work and I’ve heard ‘Crying all night’ by The Grates twice on the radio. The radio is not my friend.
The second night I had a girlfriend sleep with me because I couldn’t bear to have an empty space next to me, the next morning she told me that I had reached out to her in my sleep, old habit. So now what do I do? My heart broken, majority of my closest girlfriends far away, my new job starting in a month…which now seems like an eternity away…and too much time to torture myself with my thoughts. For a dreamer like me this is self-imposed torture, a living hell with an active imagination, causing more pain than the actual break-up. A psychic who forewarned this told me that it was going to be hard, very hard, that a break-up was like someone dying…that we grieve the same way. I’m still at the first stage.. denial… in shock, not believing this is real, which is why I am crying so much because I get distracted for a moment and then realise that this IS happening and he is gone…
My Mix CD…
- Green eyes – Coldplay
- Last goodbye – Jeff Buckley
- I wish it would rain – The Temptations
- Breathe me – SIA
- Never forget you – The Noisettes
- I miss you – Incubus
- 1+1 – Owl Eyes
- Tracks of my tears – Smokey Robinson & The Miracles
- Hurt – N.I.N & the J. Cash version
- Ex factor – Lauren Hill
- Pretty Wings – Maxwell
